Rejoice and regret

There is an art to attending to both regret and rejoicing equally. There's a grounded sense of balance that comes from both together, that empowers individuals and groups to become more effective.

This post is a result of of my own ritualistic reflection practice, and specific teachings and lessons throughout 2024.

In 2024 I had the good fortune of experiencing a neat, 'cyclical' opening and closing of the year in the same location and situation I: on retreat with remarkable teachers and tutors sharing their experience in the practices of regret and rejoice with incredible clarity, sincerity and precision. Their understanding of the way regret and rejoice 'work', and my practice, framed every day and the whole year.

This note attempts to summarise a year of practice into something secular you can read in 4 minutes and immediately put into practice!

The core truth to get is that regret and rejoice are like two sides of the same coin or the yin-yang representation of dualistic reality: both are necessary, distinct, not-separate from the other, and are best practiced in harmony with each other.

That is to say, the depth, clarity and sincerity in rejoicing must match that of regret to enable corrections, increasing effectiveness and realisation of visions.

The sincere practice of contemplating both rejoice and regret as a basis for changes is especially consequential in 'fluid' situations.

Examples of these sorts of situations from my year may help you think of situations that have these 'fluid' qualities: new intimate personal relationships, collaborations with strangers in the early stages of ambitious projects, surfing alone in remote locations at the limits of my ability, or embarking on multi-day adventures in risk-filled wilderness areas.

These are situations where there are more unpredictable unknowns than there are knowns, where people are at the edges of their learning, the situation requires new thinking and stirs up new emotions inside, and the weather and conditions outside are at least as dynamic.

As you can imagine or may have experienced, an unwillingness to face, process, and express regret and rejoice and make changes, makes navigating those 'fluid' situations difficult. Trying to 'do it the way you've always done it' or 'stick to the plan / schedule' can be ineffective because they are patterns from the past built on non-analagous circumstances. For a different reason, deep, detached, time-consuming analysis in the middle of the process of performing something complex in real-time with others, is also inappropriate and unlikely to be effective.

The means of being effortless effective is to develop the firm resolve to both build on the wins, to firmly resolve not to repeat any regretted actions, communication or thoughts, and create rituals that turn that resolve into an efficient individual or collective practice.

And that's easy to say.

That sort of equanimous, regular examination and adjustment may sound good, however is unlikely to be easy. One reason is is that it may simply be unpracticed" not enough repititions to develop the mind and muscle memory. Another reason is if there's already a strong habit of being excessively critical or insistently positive, regardless of the reality, vision or circumstances!

In my experience there are also a few other factors necessary to a) create the rituals, and b) for those ritualistic practices to be effective. Just to repeat, the context and purpose here is something like "relate to present reality while course-correcting towards a heart-felt vision": Some pre-conditions to being effective include:

1. commitment to a purpose or vision beyond self-affirmation,
2. genuine curiousity about, and unconditional acceptance of, what is really occurring, and
3. the ritual being somatic, emotive, vocal in addition to being mindful.

On the first factor: without a other-than-self-centred purpose, and a commitment to really knowing the truth of what has and is occurring, regret and rejoice feel like judgements.

Judgements, or oneself, others, or circumstances generate all kinds of additional, complicating and unnecessary thoughts, emotions and consequences. A helpful consideration in reducing judgement is to observe the powerful drivers affecting our thoughts and behaviours: biology, culture, ancestry, markets etc. Changing those, or even our response to them, is a valiant effort! So in that context, any errors or victories can be considered very humbly and less judgementally.

That non-judgemental attitude and is great, however can lapse easily if distracted. The second factor of acceptance and curiousity is to focus (and continuously refocus) on the purpose towards which your actions are contributing and whether your action actually are making a difference. A genuine curiousity can then be strong enough to override the tendency to judge and be distracted.

Adding to the examples of fluid situations from earlier, other examples of purposes and contexts: providing a healthy meal for your family, achieving a goal within your profession, becoming more skilful at a hobby that you share with others, or run a campaign in a hotly-contested election. In all those cases, if you 'insist' that you are on-track, ignore and don't accept: the faces of your family as they eat, competency of your colleagues or what matters to the electorate, you are very unlikely to be effective.

In those examples, coupling a focused and open desire with a curious mindset, everything - ill-fated shortcuts, mistakes, moments of creative inspiration, unexpected little wins and invalidated assumptions - can all become the basis for adjustment and building momentum.

On the last of the three factors: regular or daily practice really helps.

Contemplating rejoice and regrets is more than a 'habit' it's a 'ritual' imbued with intent and meaning. If you consider every 'ritual' in every human (or animal) endeavour, they all involved body (e.g. movements or special dress), speech (e.g. yells, bells or other sounds) and a specifically-adopted mindset (e.g. equanimity, gratitude, or humility). As this is your ritual, how this looks is up to you!

And, some examples might be:

• combining a journal entry with vocalising the vision and changes to be made, and doing it seated (or walking) in the same place daily,
• doing your reflection in the shower or ocean where the thoughts and emotions are accompanied by sensations and vocalisations: massages, scrubs, splashes, grunts, woops and the delight of a dry towel,
• making it part of your dinner-time conversation where rejoices and regrets are both 'chewed' and 'digested' while also being socialised (amongst a small, trusted group!), leaving you all more satiated on multiple levels.

With these factors considered and a well-designed and regularly-practiced ritual in place, continuous, sincere, ease-filled adjustments start to feel natural.

Both rejoice and regret guide your actions equally - the same way the sun guides and a tree adjusts the direction of branches and leaves, or that pheromones guide the direction of ants travel towards food and nests, or that enables whales and birds to navigate vast distances towards unseen destinations through deeply-ingrained rituals and continual adjustments.

In those cases, and hopefully yours, those small changes influence and benefit many others.

Sincerely wishing you well in using this to navigate and be effective in your own fluid situations, and welcoming you sharing any benefits you realise, or corrections you suggest, based on this post!